Peace · of · Mind

Ich habe die Folgende geschrieben (mit mehr als ein bisschen ,,kreative Lizenz''), um die Frage zu antworten: «Was denkt dein/e Vermieter/in über Berlin?» Ich denke, es wird interessant zu sehen, ob es noch wahr bleibt, wenn ich aus Berlin abfahre. Also...

Was denke ich über Berlin? Kreuzberg ist ganz toll, weil es so viel da zu machen gibt. Ich unterrichte in der Nähe davon und so kenne ich viel Gutes da drüben. Aber wenn man etwas ruhiger sucht, Südwest Berlin ist auch nett. Es ist ein bisschen schwer in Berlin zu leben, weil alles so teuer ist (vielleict nicht für alle, sondern nur für das gemeine Volk). Man muss auch Vorsicht haben, weil es leider in der Stadt viel Kriminalität gibt*. Und Gesundheit kann oft auch ein Problem sein, denn es gibt so viele Leute**. Berlin hat kein einziges Zentrum, sondern verschiedene Zentren für die verschiedene Sachen, die man braucht oder will: z.B. Einkaufen, Büros, Kneipen, Musik, usw. Aber was ist vielleicht am schönsten in Berlin, ist, daβ es so eine groβe Vielfalt von Bürgern und Bezirken gibt.

*Jemand hat ihr Fahrrad gerade geklaut.

**Meine Vermieterin hat doch viel Angst vor ,,Swine Flu''.

Many times I've sworn that I'll never talk about my really negative emotions online. I'm always afraid it seems very narcissistic; who wants to read about some stupid teen's angst anyway? Nonetheless, I can't help feeling what I'm feeling, so here goes...if only to get it off my own chest, and not to elicit pity from others.

As I hinted at before, my Fourth of July was miserable. It wasn't fun, when it felt like it should be. I wasn't happy and I knew I ought to be. After I got home from Joe's, most of my afternoon was spent preparing a Risk-like game to be played with my friends at a later date. While it was fun & interesting, in hindsight the game served to take my mind of everything else rather than as an actively engaging activity. Then I had dinner with my family, watched part of The Dark Knight, set off fireworks in the cul-de-sac, and came back in and was left to watch the rest of the movie as the rest of my family went to bed. It's a great movie, a good dinner, and the fireworks were cool, and yet I didn't feel like I was really enjoying myself. The whole evening felt very formulaic and proper. It's like, this is what we do on the Fourth of July; it's what we have done & what we'll continue to do for the rest of forever. It was almost like married couples who have sex only twice a year on Valentine's Day & their anniversary out of some sick sense of obligation. I didn't want to be a part of a fucking process. I wanted to be a part of good company, laughing & having fun! Holidays & celebrations should not be predictable & scheduled, they should be spontaneous & joyful & exciting! This holiday was everything I dread.

To be fair, I had an opportunity to get out of the house. Alyssa invited me to a celebration at her house with people & pools & pyrotechnics. However, the people that were going to be there, while friends, weren't exactly the group that I connect with best. I like them all well enough but they're closer to acquaintances than good friends. Perhaps I pussed out - we'll never know. I just feel like the only thing worse than a boring holiday with family is forcing yourself to go out with people you don't really know very well in an attempt to place yourself in fun's way.

The second (and perhaps more lasting) part of the night that contributed to my overall feeling of suck was texting with Milanda. She was going to a party with a bunch of friends - at a lake, with a fireworks show. Now, I was very happy for her that she was having a good time...but I was also extraordinarily jealous. I was jealous that she was with friends & I was not, I was jealous that other people got to see her in a bikini & I did not, I was jealous that she was having fun & I was not. I did not wish that she was in my predicament, nor that she should not have everything that she had that night...no, I just began to feel really shitty about my own situation. Which I'm sure is dumb, but I couldn't help it. So, perhaps out of a sense of self-pity, I began to text romantic things to her, hoping that she would do the same thing back to me. Which she did, at first. But, as the night went on, her texts seemed to get less...involved. Now, beware, here comes the part where I get extremely selfish & stupid. It began with when I texted her that I was going to bed soon. She texted me back goodnight, and I kept texting romantic things, not really wanting to go to bed, but wanting to still feel loved & wanted in spite of my funless night. Yet all the texts I received did not seem to reciprocate my romantic effort, but instead seemed designed to shoo me off to bed. Eventually I didn't receive a text at all, and I turned off the light hoping to wake up in the morning to a text that equaled my escalating romanticism. This morning I looked at my phone to find a text - timestamped three & a half hours later - that was no better than the rest. It felt as if, as soon as I told her I was going to bed, she was glad to berid of me so she could get back to her party & not have to bother with loving me. It felt as if she was having too much fun to care about me. That's probably the stupidest, most selfish thing anyone has ever said...but I felt it. And it sucks.

So here I am, with the girl I love about to arrive here in two days and having just had an amazing time with my friends only a day ago, wallowing in depression. I feel stupid, and angry, and pathetic, and asininely insignificant all at once. I hurt like I haven't for a long time, and it feels like I have no good reason.

Fuck me, right?

I'm feeling poignant tonight:

Alex: I'll admit, it frightens me a tiny bit, to agree with radical principles...mostly because I doubt my own ability to stick with them.

Me: Yeah, well, we'd all love to be in full possession of our souls, but all too often we have to sell parts of them for convenience.

I love my friends because our idea of a fantastic time is dressing to the nines & going to a jazz club in Philly.

Conversely, this Fourth of July feels really lonely. Or maybe just out of place; I'd give anything to not just be at home. It doesn't even feel like a holiday here; it just happens to be a night where we briefly set off explosives after a dinner of hamburgers & hot dogs.

Today was the first day in a long time that I spent some time alone in Phoenixville. I sat outside Artisan's for a while, observing the downtown activity. Suddenly, it struck me that my town is very much an odd conglomeration of the very poor, the young & affluent yuppies, and the elderly who come here for quiet place to retire. Of course, not everyone fits neatly into those categories - there are the career Phoenixvillians, and we certainly have our share of oddities - but my town is anything but homogeneous. I guess I've really always known that, but I haven't been able to articulate it until now. Oh, and another thing -- as much as I like to bitch & moan about this place (as it's really the status quo around here), I'm pretty certain it will forever remain "my town".

 

While I spent a good amount of time outside the café reading and watching and enjoying the fresh air, I eventually moved inside as my hands were getting cold and my coffee cup was empty. It's amazing how moving 20 feet behind a glass window and into a coffeeshop can place you squarely into the hipster demographic, nearly oblivious to the world around you. Thankfully, this illusion was dispelled by the rather welcome arrival on an elderly man. I was sitting in my usual comfy armchair in the alcove by the door, a spot favored by me for its excellent view of the entrance to the coffeeshop, the sidewalk, and the movie theater across the street. In this spot, I almost always received dirty looks from patrons both exiting and entering, who seemed to assume that I was scrutinizing and judging them, rather than (as I believed myself to be doing) merely detachedly observing them. It was while sitting here that I first saw the old man. He was walking with his back almost horizontal, which I suspect was due to the incredible lack of height his cane possessed. I smiled at him, trying to convey my respect & sympathy for his predicament. At the same time, I saw from his cap that he was a veteran of a medical unit in the Vietnam War. This made me somewhat uneasy, as my last experience with veterans had been outside the VFA in Northfield, where I had unfortunately walked through a crowd of drunken old men who leered & jeered at me as I passed (perhaps because I was young and uninterested in the Vikings game from which they had taken a smoke break). I was surprised and delighted, then, when I received an amiable smile from the present elderly man in return.

Although I had found him to be a friend in spirit, I did not expect to have any further interaction with the old man. Again he surprised me when I looked up to find him at the entrance to my alcove. Besides the aforementioned view, I liked my spot for its isolation from the rest of the coffeeshop. I was enclosed on three sides, which was perfect for indulging my habit of entering a mental reverie after every sentence I wrote. Of course, I did have the occasional visitor, which I did not resent, though they usually just stopped by to admire the artwork on the wall or to peer out the window for the anticipated arrival of a friend -- except for one hippie-esque young woman, not much older than I, who sat down declaring that the alcove's "natural light" made it the only place to sit. (I politely welcomed her, agreeing with her in principle, but not her tone. Later I felt guilty when my cell phone's ringer went off, almost afraid of offending her nature-conscious sensibility.) By the time the elder had come, she was long gone. For some reason I'll never quite understand, the old man undertook the slow, arduous journey around the table to sit in the chair directly at my left. I was relieved to see that, in a chair, his posture was as upright and comfortable as any other person's. He placed his mango smoothie on the table (I never tasted it, but only mango has that yellow-orange color) and rubbed his head with his hand in the manner reserved only for bald men who can no longer run their fingers through their hair. As I somehow later found out, he was 69, and had I not seen him walk, I'd have guessed him to be in very good health.

Without hesitation, he launched right into conversation. It began with the usual small talk, including the questions all adults seem to deem requisite to ask every college student: school name, location, major, and enjoyment of the previous. Yet he seemed genuinely interested, even in these procedurals. He was even more interesting, telling an anecdote from one of my responses or making a connection to another topic on which he had something to say. We progressed to broader subjects, everything from fishing to the economy to local art. I don't remember many specifics, save for a few small random details: how he lost half his money in the recession; his dismay at finding himself at Building A when the receptionist told him to go to Building 3; that he hadn't been to a movie theater since he went to see On Golden Pond in 1981. As with all of my conversations, I mostly listened and let the other do much of the talking, interjecting only when I felt I had something positively interesting to say. We were interrupted only by intermittent pauses (which were amazingly comfortable for a first conversation with a stranger), and once when the old man made a phone call, during which I tried to go back to what I had been writing, but instead found myself engrossed in the one side of the conversation, through which I discovered the the old man owned a car and was seeing a doctor about his back, but needed transportation to and from Limerick for an operation he was to have. Shortly after the call, he chose a new topic and our conversation resumed as before. The old man never seemed particularly bothered; we merely exchanged remarks about this or that. It was not just our talk, but the entire atmosphere had a pleasant air about it. He smiled often, always with the delighted smile of a child experiencing something familiar in a new way.

Eventually the old man decided to go and take care of his headache. As he got up, he offered to take my now-empty coffee mug for me. I quickly declined for fear of adding more weight to an already stressed skeleton. He began to leave, empty smoothie cup in hand, but suddenly he stopped. He leaned down, picked up a penny, and gave it to me with a saying that struck me as deeply meaningful, while also containing (perhaps unintentionally) a clever pun. I believe I shall always remember it: "I always stop to pick up pennies. It's the cheapest exercise you can get!"

I never did get the man's name. I suspect it doesn't matter. I do know that I will be picking up many more pennies from now on, in memory of a friendship borne out of a smile and cultivated from nothing more than our common humanity. That this chance encounter could ever have happened is far more valuable than anything my old friend could have given me.

Maybe there is hope for us all.

  [This paper was written for my American Politics class. My professor gave us a survey on the first day of class to ascertain our political views. We had to explain and justify our answers in the paper.]

 

"Equal Rights, Equal Treatment, and Equal Trade:

Examining the Role of the United States Government"

With the upcoming Presidential election fast approaching, now is the time for all American citizens to decide which issues are most important to them and who they will support. In examining my own views, I have found that, while I am most closely aligned with the Democratic Party and Barack Obama, I don’t completely agree with any party’s positions. Although I can safely call myself a liberal on most political, social, and economic issues, there are some significant exceptions.
            Respect for individual rights and liberties has always been at the core of American beliefs. It is the responsibility of the American people and government to ensure that this remains the case. Free speech should always be protected except in very limited cases. I believe the Supreme Court has done an excellent job thus far in defining what should and should not be protected; I support the decisions reached in cases such as Texas v. Johnson (flag burning is permissible), Miller v. California (material is defined as obscene only if it appeals to prurient interests), and Tinker v. DeMoines (students have a right to political protest). The right to free speech is essential in a democracy. People must be allowed to express their views, no matter how disagreeable their opinions may be. In addition, every single person should be afforded due process under the law, regardless of who they are or what they are accused of. Under no circumstances should the United States be allowed to torture or “harshly interrogate” suspected criminals. Any case based on evidence obtained by these or any other unconstitutional means should be immediately dismissed. All accused persons have the right to be treated humanely, be present at their trial, and see the evidence presented against them. Guaranteeing these freedoms is paramount to prevent government abuse of power. How can the United States claim to be the “land of the free” when we are torturing people in secret prisons and prosecuting them with classified evidence? We will surely lose our influence and the respect of other nations if we act as hypocrites. The United States has always championed freedom and democracy abroad; we must practice what we preach, both with our own citizens and prisoners of war.
            I am also quite socially liberal. I am strongly pro-choice and I believe that homosexuals should be able to marry. One’s body is the most fundamental piece of property that one can own. If we are to protect the right to property, a woman must have complete control over her own body. Thus, a woman should be able to get an abortion if she so desires. Banning gay marriage is likewise obstructive of basic human liberties. The United States declared its independence with the assertion that all people are entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”. Denying homosexuals the ability to marry denies them both their liberty and their right to fully pursue their own happiness. The Constitution itself under the 14^th Amendment guarantees equal protection under the law to all citizens. Homosexuals must be entitled to the same benefits and status that other citizens enjoy from marriage. Legislating otherwise is reflective only of religious principles and goes against the very ideals on which this country was founded.
            My views on individual liberties and social issues have a common theme: government regulation of citizens’ lives should only extend so far as to protect their rights. This belief coincides with my position on Affirmative Action. While most liberals support Affirmative Action, I oppose it. I strongly believe that all peoples – whether black or white, Muslim or Christian, gay or straight, etc. – are equal, and government should do everything within its power to support equality of opportunity among its citizens. However, Affirmative Action, while well-intentioned, causes more problems than it solves. It is true that Affirmative Action has allowed for more minority students to go on to higher education and has helped diversify the workforce. At the same time, Affirmative Action has exacerbated problems of race. Instead of paving the way towards a more colorblind society, Affirmative Action has highlighted racial differences amongst students. White students, blaming Affirmative Action, might feel resentful towards students of color when they are not accepted into a prestigious college or university. Some minority students struggle with the thought that they have not earned their position at a college or university, but instead have had it gifted to them. Affirmative Action is unfair to the minority students who are struggling because their race has just barely put them above the minimum entrance requirement to a university, as well as the white student who is denied a college education because slightly less qualified minorities were given preferential admission. Equal protection under the law must be extended to every race. Rather than supporting Affirmative Action programs for individuals at the college level, government should instead address the larger problem of inadequate public education. By increasing the funding and quality of public education, especially in inner-city areas where there is a large minority population, government will be better able to ensure that all students have the ability to be judged on their merit alone, thus extending equality of opportunity to all citizens.
            While government regulation has no place in the personal lives of Americans, government involvement in the economy is essential. The current financial crisis stemming from reckless lending practices by private banks has made the consequences of a lack of government oversight painfully clear. The government needs to ensure that businesses and financial institutions are acting in a legal and responsible matter.  Of course, the government should not have complete control over the economy; while more regulation is certainly needed, watchdog agencies should not go so far as to completely stifle the markets. Many people have already been adversely affected by the economic turmoil and, as such, attention has been brought to government unemployment and welfare initiatives. I support both programs, but with caveats. I agree with the six-month time limit on government-provided unemployment benefits, and I think a similar strategy should be implemented with welfare programs. As long as welfare recipients attend job training classes or demonstrate an active participation in searching for employment, they should continue to receive benefits and may even be offered additional incentives to help them become self-sufficient as fast as possible. Welfare and unemployment programs should be structured so as to minimize or eliminate the number of people exploiting the programs and living at the government’s expense. Health care policy is another area in which government should be involved. The government should offer a very basic level of coverage to every citizen, while still allowing for the health care industry to provide for other alternatives. I think the ultimate goal should be for the majority of people to receive their health care from private industries. This could be achieved through companies offering low-cost alternatives to the government plan. Taxpayers who opt for private insurance would be exempt from the tax used to pay for the government plan; the premium paid to the private company may actually be cheaper than the tax. While the government will have to pay for regulatory agencies, welfare programs, and universal healthcare, the economy will ultimately benefit in the long run from stable financial institutions, a larger and more skilled workforce, and a healthier and more productive population.
            In order to pay for such social programs, the government must tax its citizens. I am strongly opposed to the supply side or “trickle down” theory of economics; namely, that tax cuts for the wealthiest citizens will induce them to invest their extra capital in the economy. I believe that this policy is only theoretical; in reality, supply side economics only widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Rather, if the government is able to provide for tax cuts, they should be given to the lower and middle classes and small businesses. The lower and middle classes are in much greater need of extra capital, especially in these volatile economic times. Not only do small businesses employ many Americans, but the government should encourage entrepreneurs to help stimulate the economy. As for international economics, I cautiously support free trade. I think that free trade has great potential to lift poor countries out of poverty. Just as we should encourage the entrepreneurial spirit at home, so should we encourage citizens in third-world countries to try their hand at capitalism. However, we should ensure that the political climate is fair for free trade to be mutually beneficial. The United States can’t hope to compete with foreign governments that take profits from citizens or place no regulations on working conditions; therefore, we should refuse the benefits of free trade to such countries. Globalization is a powerful force, but political freedom must go hand-in-hand with economic freedom.
            In general, I feel that government is most effective and most appropriate in broad issues such as economic regulation, social programs, and international trade. Government should only be involved in personal lives so far as to protect individual liberties and rights. While I find that the positions that follow from my views are mostly aligned with the Democratic Party, I differ with Democrats on significant issues such as Affirmative Action and free trade. However, there is a common theme to be found in all of my beliefs: equality. This core principle grounds all of my views; I strongly believe the United States government has a duty to guarantee the equality of all people. This equality may come in many forms: the gay man seeking to express his love in marriage, the unemployed and uninsured seeking help in getting a leg up, or the aspiring third-world worker hoping to escape poor working conditions and start a business of his own. Our forefathers said it best: all men are created equal. It is time for our government to act on their precocious wisdom.

My day today:

• Woke up late, and thus missed breakfast. My roommate (Owen) and I decided to go to Sayles (the campus student center) instead.
• Got together with our New Student Week (NSW) Group. Played Bop It on the way to the concert hall.
• Listened to presentations about service opportunities on campus.
• Picked up my bongos from Sayles and had to walk all the way across campus in the pouring rain to get back to my dorm.
• Had lunch with my NSW group. We decided to go back to Goodhue (my dorm) and watch a movie.
• Watched Little Miss Sunshine (<3).
• Commenced our service project for the day: pulling up buckthorn in the Arb.
• Pouring rain continues throughout service project.
• Changed clothes & attended pizza party in Goodhue superlounge. Played pool.
• Went to talent show, & had excellent seat reserved.
• "Speed dated" a bunch of people from other dorms back in Goodhue.
• Talked to a girl I just met about music, etc. for about an hour.
• Talked politics and other incidentals with Meg from NSW group.
• Joined impromptu plan to go to Sweet Lou's for free T-Shirt promotion at midnight.
• Waited in line for about three hours to get delicious waffles and aforementioned T-Shirt.
• Went back to dorm & ate waffles. Laughed at red cups littering campus on walk back.
• Walked in on roommate with a girl from our hall in his bed. Clothing was on, but relations are questionable.

--Justin

I said my first goodbye yesterday - to Kelly, from work. It was how I imagined all my goodbyes would be: there was the hug, the "I'll miss you", and the promise to keep in touch. The same thing happened tonight with Jeff (except, you know, more manly). But why was this a first? All of my close friends have gone already.

The interesting thing is that there were no proper goodbyes between me and any of my closest friends. In fact, I hung out will all of them right before they left as if nothing at all was about to change: I went to a concert with Chuck, I went to the movies with Joe, and I went up to the Princeton Record Exchange with Drew. Those goodbyes at the end of the day were much more akin to "I'll see you at school on Monday when the weekend is over" than "Hopefully we'll still hang out sometime over winter break". I did get a very touching card from Becky right before she left (and, continuing the trend, we went up to St. Pete's shortly before that). But even those circumstances were quirky: she & Billy visited me at work to give me the card, we chatted for awhile, and then I told them to begone for they needed to frolic together.

Maybe it's just me being aloof along with my need to keep everything lighthearted. Or maybe it's some (un)concious choice we make so that we can pretend like everything isn't going to change forever.

I don't know. But I do know that, even when I move halfway across the country in six days, Facebook & cell phones & all that jazz will allow me to - even if only periodically - talk to all of the friends I've made who are in college or still in high school or wherever. And I can live with that.
 
--Justin